On the Internet, Slangin' Shit Like Dope...

Yes indeed. Chaddie B is a digital d-boy. Flipping shit like flea market. Making that profit. The world is my consumer base. eBay is the block I'm on. I do my thing digitally slangin'; not merely buying, but I sell a lot of shit as well. As a matter of fact, by clicking on the Ja Rule autographed dollar below (which is also up for auction) you can see what I'm slangin'...

I'm Rolling, They're Hating...

Rather than disturb everyone in a ten-foot radius of me with an annoying ringtone of some simplistic contemporary Hip-Hop tune, I choose to keep my phone on vibrate. My phone goes off. I reach and pull it out of my change pocket of my Polo jeans. “Hello?” It was the homie Chuck Dukie; excuse me, I have to take this call. From the cheap seats, where the rancor usually originates, comes “Check out Mr. Fancy Pants with the new iPhone.” Yeah. Check me out. Take notes as the pimp quotes and maybe you’ll perform better tomorrow without the use of Viagra. Incredible how a device as innocuous as an iPhone can cause calamity in the household and race wars amongst similar-looking people. I had a Blackjack, but that shit was horrible. You never think that when you’re paying a few hundred for a phone that it is going to perform worse than the Motorola RAZR that you just upgraded from. These new fandangled phones all have one shortcoming in common; their respective operating systems are the worst. The mobile Windows OS that the Blackjack is ran from is the absolute worst phone operating system I have ever encountered as it somehow how made every single function of the phone horribly difficult to operate. Even to take a picture or text was a chore. It shouldn’t be as arduous as it is to merely play an mp3 on the Blackjack, but it was. The battery life was horrible; the best thing about the phone was that it came with two batteries. Even the blazing speed of the 3G network meant absolutely nothing as the Blackjack can’t compute fast enough to take advantage of this feature. Fuck the Blackjack, time to upgrade...

The hate has been pouring in since I first slid my thumb over that sleek touch screen like I slide my thumb over a pretty young lady's labia. When introducing my buddy Harrison to this cute Indie-Rock girl, I got a text and had to check it, naturally, I pull the iPhone from the pocket to perform this action. “Oh, why don’t you pull out your iPhone again?,” I hear faintly via my left ear in a New Hampshirean accent. So, yeah, I pull it out again. Last weekend in New York I actually lost the iPhone in a cab, but was fortunate enough to have had it found by an honest person. The iPhone even has divine intervention on its side. I think when Christians call on Jesus Christ, Jesus first sees your picture on the touch screen and then sends the call to voicemail, since we know that Yahweh answers prayer when the time is right, not necessarily when you may want him to. On the way to work riding the S4 bus Southbound down 16th Avenue NW, I spotted this little man with the new iPod Nano. There's a bunch of elementary and middle school kids that ride that bus to school, so it kind of takes me back to those good old days on the yellow bus; the normal sized one, not the short one, although, that is a story for another time. Little man was watching Family Guy on his Nano and all the kids on the bus come over to his seat and are on some "oooooooooh!" shit when they see the iPod Nano in action. I was pumping some disco, nothing like a little Chic to start off the day. The vibe was changing and I felt like switching to some Style Council, so I pulled my iPhone out of my jacket pocket and started to flick the album covers displayed on the screen like an old retired lady does spinning that rainbow wheel on the Showcase Showdown. One of the kids saw my device out the corner of his eye and was like, "Ooooooooh!!! He's got the iPhone!" Then all of the kids rushed over and crowded around me and started asking informed questions about my device. The little man that had the Nano was looking at me like I just took the girl he had a crush on and he owed me an ass-whooping which was to be administered after school, at the flag pole. Yesterday I dropped my iPhone on the ground and my so-called comrades cheered with delight, “Yeah! Fuck the iPhone! I hope that shit is broke!” Alas naysayers, try as you like, but your ways of abomination will never build a strong nation.

I have promulgated the arrival of the technocracy and have discovered that there is no way I will be able to use a regular cell phone again. The iPhone, while being the best phone ever, does have its faults. The ringtone situation, for those middle school girls that are into them, is dismal to say the least. Apple is trying to fuck over the people once again by having them pay for ringtones from iTunes all because they won’t allow one to make a song that you, yourself, put on the iPhone, the ringtone. Even on the wack-ass Blackjack I could make “Egypt, Egypt” my ringtone if I so desired. There is no 3G support, but Apple said that was due to the inefficiency of power management when using the 3G network. All in all though, I would have to say it is the best phone thus far. Picture me rolling...ld e

Hit Me...

Truth be told, I don't need a Blackjack. But I own a Blackjack. It's sexy like the lady to the left doing the Diane Parkinson. I use it like my brain though, only at 11% capacity. I never stream any fucking videos. I own an iPod, so I don't use the audio player, as It kills the battery anyhow. I rarely use the camera, even though it does take decent photos, admitted. Hardly have I a need to read emails on the go. Check it a few times a day, and say fuck it. In instances requiring immediacy, people are more likely to call me. For shit that ain't time-sensitive, a text message is convenient as fuck. Now you can text-google Google, so you really don't even need the Internet on a phone. Granted, sometimes that shit does come in handy, but more times than not, it's another extraneous feature that you pay for, but do not use enough to justify the expense. Sometimes I miss the days of pagers. Muthafuckas had a pager code. Mine's was "711", cause I'm such a propitious guy. Hit someone up on the hip, put in the landline and chill... and when dude can get back to you is exactly when he'll get back with you. No rush. Usually you had to get to the phone first, and the person that beeped you usually understood that. Texting is like alphanumeric pagers, merely on the phone. In my fucking opinion that is the best mode of conversation nowadays. Sometimes I don't be wanting to pick up my phone when people call, but the expectation is that if someone is calling then you must answer. No matter locale nor situation. Fuck that. Most of the time I be screening calls. If I didn't I'd be like Russell Simmons except for the fact I ain't gone be talking about money all day. Merely cosmopolitan epicurean philosophy, which I love, but prefer in person. I could honestly do with the Nokia 3360, but alas... Vanity... why hast thou smitten me so?

You Gotta Look Fly When You Kick It...

Admittedly, I have a problem of sorts. I am a fan of what we refer to in Cleveland as tennis shoes, or here on the East Coast as sneakers, or in Londontown as trainers. No matter the moniker, you can't get in the club with them. So what? Fuck a club. I'm far more of a dive bar type of guy anyhow. Sneakers to me are the epicenter of the outfit. In the event that I'm giving two shits about my appearance, the assemble and all accompanying accoutrement coincide with the shoes. That's just how I do and have always done. 1976-the red saddle shoes match the scarf tied around the neck of the baby in the sailor suit to a tee. 1982-the grey KangaROOS Tai Chi Joggers match the grey fisherman hat almost flawlessly, but I still had to take my shoe off to get my lunch money. 1985-red and black Air Jordans, red and black Air Jordan suit. As if it were planned. 1990-the grey, black, white and red Nike Air Wildwood ACGs looked good with the Girbauds. 1999-burgundy Vasque Sundowners that look kin to the double-breasted, mahogany leather pea coat. 2007-maroon Jordan 5s, maroon Polo hoodie with the diagonally-striped maroon, navy blue and cream Polo scarf serving as garnish. Perpetually primped and preened. Do you know what it is I mean? See, we Black men have been color-coordinating way before the gay dudes punked the frat boys and yuppies inadvertently creating "metrosexuality." This was merely the way of the wardrobe. Dipped in glaze like a Krispy Kreme, y'nahaameen? Nonetheless, the sneakers are something of an addiction. I watched Just For Kicks which made me feel a little better since I don't have it as bad as Tommy Rebel nor Damon Dash. Nor do I have the vast collection that those dudes have. No really rare Tokyo-only or ultra-expensive releases. I made a valiant effort to buy some Air Pressures on eBay, and if you know anything about them, you'll understand why I couldn't afford them. My arsenal consists of many well-researched purchases. I tend to be biased towards the old school looking tennis shoes since those seem to never get played out. But to make a mindless rant shorter-I have bought far too many shoes this past year. So, on this particular day on eBay, I find a pair that I have yet to ever seen. Kinda plain with the red stripe, I figured them be an old pair of some pre-1985 Nike tennis shoes. Whatever. They were cheap, so I went for it. A week later, I receive a box and rip it open and laugh really loud cause these Nikes are fake as fuck. Cheap sole, red marker etchings on the Achilles' heel tab, pinchbeck-ass leather. Ersatz as fuck, yo. These ain't no Tabula Rasa. So, like you gotta do with Internet business, I had to email the dude up. Here it goes...

hello,
i just got these shoes, and i'll be expecting a refund in full for these ersatz-ass nikes. fakes are what you sold me. full refund or else i'm going to ebay with this.
onasuss
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Hi, I have no idea what you are talking about. The serial number is on the shoe. I live in Portland, the headquarters of Nike. I have over 20,000 feedback, why would I try to pass off fake shoes. That is a ridiculous accusation. I am happy to accept a return, and will refund the bid price. However, I am not going to play this game of counterfeit merchandise. If you aren't happy, that is fine, I do accept returns. I am sorry but nobody gets to my place in Ebay by selling fakes, that is a joke.
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maybe it was an accident, but these are indeed fakes. examine them upon return. where to send them?
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Please return them to
Joseph xxxxxxxxxxxx
xxx xxxxxxx xxx
Portland, Oregon xxxxx
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will do. however i want the total price refunded. not just the item price. i will send these to you c.o.d. and i expect a return of $51.84 initiated on your part via paypal. after that is done i will return the shoes.
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I will refund your bid price when these are returned. I am accepting a refund based on the fact that you do not like them. That is totally fine. They will be relisted exactly the same as before. These are vintage shoes, and I have been in the vintage business for many years. I have sold 25,000 pairs of shoes online. I will not accept a refund on the basis that these are counterfeit merchandise, simply because they are not. I inspect my items thoroughly, and i would never list fake merchandise. In fact-----I HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MAIN ADVOCATES THAT REMOVED THE FAKE CHINA AND HONG KONG, ARGENTINA AND BRAZIL FAKE SHOES ON EBAY ----I LOBBYED FOR 2 YEARS TO DO SO.

I just want you to understand I am happily accepting a refund, but you need to know your assumptions are not correct.

I will refund the price once the shoes have been returned. You are dealing with a gold powerseller with 19 negative feedback out of 21,000 transactions here.

Please tell me why you insist these are knockoffs. That might help me understand.
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no disrespect to you as a power seller, but i am a sneaker buying fool. i can spot a fake. things like the leather being of a inferior quality, the tab in the rear has been colored over. nike always embroiders or at least prints something on that tab. nike also does not use the type of sole that is on these shoes. you can also tell by the pinchbeck interior and the poor quality of the tongue. since you live in portland near the headquarters, you can take these shoes there to see if my prognosis is correct or not. i'd put twenty on me though.
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These shoes were made about 20 years ago. They have had dozens of manufacturers and production revisions in that period of time. There was a period where they were manucacturing in about 5 countries and had major problems with consistency. In any case, I really am not trying to argue, but they weren't even a big enough company back when these were made for anyone to try to knock them off anyway.
I will happily refund your initial payment you made, but I need you to refund them soon. That way I can offer them to the next highest bidder.
Thanks,
Joseph
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listen man,
20 years ago marks 1987, right? in 1987, three years after nike had just revolutionized the sneaker game with the air jordan, they came out with the air max 1, with the visible air bubble. i think i bought the grey, white, black and green air trainer one's that year too. nike had just made a billion dollars in 1986. there was no way that nike had any problems with manufacturing a consistent product whatsoever. your position is sophistry in full effect. you're out of your arena, man. take 'em to the headquarters and see what nike gone tell you.
onasuss
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Hi, that is what I said, I will refund your initial payment. I believe these came out in the 80's. I know the era you are talking about, my brother worked there for 15 years. I am not trying to argue with you. This is a single pair of shoes. I am glad you are into sneakers, and sorry you don't like these.
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"I am glad you are into sneakers" Ha! He's a funny guy, and so I am I to say the least. To contribute to the Illustrious Chaddie B's Sneaker Fund, please send all contributions via Paypal to me, Chad B. Thanks in advance... I wanna be able to flip it like these dudes...