I'm Rolling, They're Hating...

Rather than disturb everyone in a ten-foot radius of me with an annoying ringtone of some simplistic contemporary Hip-Hop tune, I choose to keep my phone on vibrate. My phone goes off. I reach and pull it out of my change pocket of my Polo jeans. “Hello?” It was the homie Chuck Dukie; excuse me, I have to take this call. From the cheap seats, where the rancor usually originates, comes “Check out Mr. Fancy Pants with the new iPhone.” Yeah. Check me out. Take notes as the pimp quotes and maybe you’ll perform better tomorrow without the use of Viagra. Incredible how a device as innocuous as an iPhone can cause calamity in the household and race wars amongst similar-looking people. I had a Blackjack, but that shit was horrible. You never think that when you’re paying a few hundred for a phone that it is going to perform worse than the Motorola RAZR that you just upgraded from. These new fandangled phones all have one shortcoming in common; their respective operating systems are the worst. The mobile Windows OS that the Blackjack is ran from is the absolute worst phone operating system I have ever encountered as it somehow how made every single function of the phone horribly difficult to operate. Even to take a picture or text was a chore. It shouldn’t be as arduous as it is to merely play an mp3 on the Blackjack, but it was. The battery life was horrible; the best thing about the phone was that it came with two batteries. Even the blazing speed of the 3G network meant absolutely nothing as the Blackjack can’t compute fast enough to take advantage of this feature. Fuck the Blackjack, time to upgrade...

The hate has been pouring in since I first slid my thumb over that sleek touch screen like I slide my thumb over a pretty young lady's labia. When introducing my buddy Harrison to this cute Indie-Rock girl, I got a text and had to check it, naturally, I pull the iPhone from the pocket to perform this action. “Oh, why don’t you pull out your iPhone again?,” I hear faintly via my left ear in a New Hampshirean accent. So, yeah, I pull it out again. Last weekend in New York I actually lost the iPhone in a cab, but was fortunate enough to have had it found by an honest person. The iPhone even has divine intervention on its side. I think when Christians call on Jesus Christ, Jesus first sees your picture on the touch screen and then sends the call to voicemail, since we know that Yahweh answers prayer when the time is right, not necessarily when you may want him to. On the way to work riding the S4 bus Southbound down 16th Avenue NW, I spotted this little man with the new iPod Nano. There's a bunch of elementary and middle school kids that ride that bus to school, so it kind of takes me back to those good old days on the yellow bus; the normal sized one, not the short one, although, that is a story for another time. Little man was watching Family Guy on his Nano and all the kids on the bus come over to his seat and are on some "oooooooooh!" shit when they see the iPod Nano in action. I was pumping some disco, nothing like a little Chic to start off the day. The vibe was changing and I felt like switching to some Style Council, so I pulled my iPhone out of my jacket pocket and started to flick the album covers displayed on the screen like an old retired lady does spinning that rainbow wheel on the Showcase Showdown. One of the kids saw my device out the corner of his eye and was like, "Ooooooooh!!! He's got the iPhone!" Then all of the kids rushed over and crowded around me and started asking informed questions about my device. The little man that had the Nano was looking at me like I just took the girl he had a crush on and he owed me an ass-whooping which was to be administered after school, at the flag pole. Yesterday I dropped my iPhone on the ground and my so-called comrades cheered with delight, “Yeah! Fuck the iPhone! I hope that shit is broke!” Alas naysayers, try as you like, but your ways of abomination will never build a strong nation.

I have promulgated the arrival of the technocracy and have discovered that there is no way I will be able to use a regular cell phone again. The iPhone, while being the best phone ever, does have its faults. The ringtone situation, for those middle school girls that are into them, is dismal to say the least. Apple is trying to fuck over the people once again by having them pay for ringtones from iTunes all because they won’t allow one to make a song that you, yourself, put on the iPhone, the ringtone. Even on the wack-ass Blackjack I could make “Egypt, Egypt” my ringtone if I so desired. There is no 3G support, but Apple said that was due to the inefficiency of power management when using the 3G network. All in all though, I would have to say it is the best phone thus far. Picture me rolling...ld e